who.i.am

So, a little while back, I hit this brick wall that was the realization that I didn't know who I was. I have lived with myself for 20 years and watched me be a chameleon to my environment, an onlooker to my own life. Realizing this knocked me back and smacked me in the face. How could I have gone so long and not known who I was or wanted to be?? All I knew was what everyone wanted me to be, so that's what I was.

Drawing nearer to GOD brought me to this realization, and drawing even nearer to HIM is what has propelled me to find myself somewhere in all the jumble. It's been a slow process, but today, a small lightbulb popped up over my head and I began to understand some things. I always searched for one thing that bound me to people, whether it was one thing we had in common or a certain type of profile that 'they' fit. I wanted to know where mine was. But, that never came. Then, as miniscule as this realization may seem, I finally understood I can fit all sorts of 'profiles' or 'groups'. I don't just have to be one "type" of person.

I love sports, but I also love theater. I am super competitive, and don't really like that about myself. I like to run when I'm stressed. I enjoy reading. I love acoustic music. But, I also enjoy hard electric rock and the occasional dip into the world of bluegrass. And, when I'm playing a sport, a little rap comes into the mix. I like to paint and draw, even though I'm horrible at both. I love the outdoors and everything about it. I like to sit outside alone with my guitar and talk to JESUS. I like having something to do. I like having nothing to do. I like musicals. I want to learn everything I can about my GOD and the life that JESUS led. I want to be drawn nearer to knowing GOD daily. My time with HIM alone is invaluable. I love to listen to people talk about GOD and their ideas and takes on things. I like to go out and listen to live music. I also have my moments where I'm a bit of a science nerd. Sometimes, I just want to act crazy, and need friends that are right there with me. I have judged and been judged, neither of which are fun. I have loved and been hurt. I have failed, and failed, and failed. My pride gets the best of me, but now I rejoice in my weakness. This is ME.

And the biggest thing I've learned is that being all these 'contridictory' things, as determined by society, is OK!!! Who knew?! I don't fit a mold, but that's because the CREATOR made me unique, and in HIS image. wow.