who.i.am

So, a little while back, I hit this brick wall that was the realization that I didn't know who I was. I have lived with myself for 20 years and watched me be a chameleon to my environment, an onlooker to my own life. Realizing this knocked me back and smacked me in the face. How could I have gone so long and not known who I was or wanted to be?? All I knew was what everyone wanted me to be, so that's what I was.

Drawing nearer to GOD brought me to this realization, and drawing even nearer to HIM is what has propelled me to find myself somewhere in all the jumble. It's been a slow process, but today, a small lightbulb popped up over my head and I began to understand some things. I always searched for one thing that bound me to people, whether it was one thing we had in common or a certain type of profile that 'they' fit. I wanted to know where mine was. But, that never came. Then, as miniscule as this realization may seem, I finally understood I can fit all sorts of 'profiles' or 'groups'. I don't just have to be one "type" of person.

I love sports, but I also love theater. I am super competitive, and don't really like that about myself. I like to run when I'm stressed. I enjoy reading. I love acoustic music. But, I also enjoy hard electric rock and the occasional dip into the world of bluegrass. And, when I'm playing a sport, a little rap comes into the mix. I like to paint and draw, even though I'm horrible at both. I love the outdoors and everything about it. I like to sit outside alone with my guitar and talk to JESUS. I like having something to do. I like having nothing to do. I like musicals. I want to learn everything I can about my GOD and the life that JESUS led. I want to be drawn nearer to knowing GOD daily. My time with HIM alone is invaluable. I love to listen to people talk about GOD and their ideas and takes on things. I like to go out and listen to live music. I also have my moments where I'm a bit of a science nerd. Sometimes, I just want to act crazy, and need friends that are right there with me. I have judged and been judged, neither of which are fun. I have loved and been hurt. I have failed, and failed, and failed. My pride gets the best of me, but now I rejoice in my weakness. This is ME.

And the biggest thing I've learned is that being all these 'contridictory' things, as determined by society, is OK!!! Who knew?! I don't fit a mold, but that's because the CREATOR made me unique, and in HIS image. wow.

f o c u s ..........

This morning, I got up and did some cleaning. Then I decided to go for a run. I left my phone, ipod, and all other distractions in the house. I really needed some alone time with GOD. So I talked to HIM and asked HIM to only let my mind flood with the thoughts that HE wanted me to have. So, I ran on and realized I didn't have contacts in and my glasses were also at home. Normally, I would just be like, 'Oh well." But I couldn't stop dwelling on the fact that I could focus very well up close, but when I looked off in the distance, nothing was in focus. It just kept bugging me. Finally, I thought maybe GOD is trying to tell me something. I've been so focused on trying to plan my future. But, I'm not equipped to focus on it. The only thing we can focus on is the here and now. We should be content to enjoy the present. So yeah...I'm going to work on that. Thank goodness for this relaxing weekend!

Sometimes, it is nice to just go sit. Yes, just sit. There is this neat little coffee shop here in town that I really like to just sit at, maybe do homework or read or study or just enjoy. This is where I sit typing now. Don't get me wrong, I love my Starbucks, but there is something just homey about this place. So, today...I sit...still. a l o n e. with my thoughts, the workings of the creator running through my head.

This picture means absolutely nothing to alot of people. To others, they know it as "laminin, it holds everything together and it's shaped like a cross." I love that concept, but I also am amazed it the many small parts that all had to come together in a precise fashion to even form this protein.

Today, I sat in class hearing about all of these tiny, miniscule details of the functions of the human body. Then, I go spend some time studying these microscopic parts. The more I look at it, the more I realize that GOD is a master of all trades. HE is the world's best surgeon, smartest scientist, best accountant, strongest carpenter, most helpful counselor, most productive gardener, most gifted author, finest painter, steadiest sculpture, smoothest musician. HE created the miniscule interactions that make our body work, sculpted the mountains that put us in awe, grew the trees, painted the sunset, created all of the laws and theories that math and science have discovered, gives the best advice, gave us the ability to create language. HE never fails to amaze me.

spring.break...or what was left of it

So this past Tuesday, the MTSU Lady Raiders won the Sun Belt Conference championship. Since we won, I got the rest of the week off.

Wed.-Taylor and I took a day trip to Chattanooga. We visited the TN Aquarium, where I felt like a 5 year old. I was in awe of the many crazy animals in this place. GOD put some of the craziest, most random, colorful features on all of these little (and not so little) guys. I left there in even more awe of our CREATOR than before. We walked around downtown Chattanooga and stopped to eat at this local pizza place called Lupi's, which was amazing. Then, we walked next door to Greyfriar's Coffee shop, which I highly recommend if you're ever in Chattanooga. It was such a neat little downtown area.

Thurs.- In looking at JESUS's prayer life, HE often went to mountain's to pray. So, I decided I wanted to do just that, and wouldn't be deterred by rain or cold...both of which decided to rear their ugly head. However, I, along with my friend Brad, headed to Short Mountain. I grew up spending my summer's on this mountain so I loved getting to spend more time with my FATHER on it. We sat around and talked about GOD for an hour or so in the 30 degree weather, mixed with a little sleet. I loved just sitting there and watching the fog smother the hills below. Then we went to where all the towers are at the top and watched them ascend into the fog, seemingly going on forever. Ah, I love the mountains!!

Fri.- I went home and had some family time which was refreshing. We went to the Arts Center to see a show. It was nice to be back in what was my summer home these past 2 summers. I also got some fresh, organically grown coffee straight from the Short Mountain Sanctuary. It is quite amazing I must say..face of addiction I know. ha.

Today, it has been up and down. Knowing what GOD is wanting from me in this moment is difficult and against my personality but I want to be faithful. Satan is working hard but GOD has already won. I went to go get dinner at the Gyro Cafe before practice to find out it was closed. So I walked into the Thai place next door, at which I'd never eaten. I was greeted by an elderly man. He said he owned the place. We sat and talked for about 30 minutes about abunch of random stuff. I had left in plenty of time to get to practice, so it was nice to be able to sit and enjoy a conversation with this random man and not worry about looking at my watch. HE is moving, LORD grant me patience.

Stir Crazy

So here is my entrance into the blog world. It's not much but it's me. Basically, I always need an outlet to put thoughts down and who knows, maybe someone else would want to read them. Anyways...

I'm sitting in a hotel in Hot Springs, AR going stir crazy. I'm stuck here for a couple more days with every minute of my schedule laid before me by someone else. All I want to do is break out. This kind of applies to my life right now. I'm going stir crazy in my life. I just want to get away for a bit and just drive with no direction, no plan, no schedule, and end up somewhere, hopefully the mountains (I've gotten slightly obsessed with them--JESUS went there to pray and I completely understand the feeling). I want to climb one, exerting every ounce of energy I have toward that single goal, the peak. Then, when I reach the top, I want to look out and take in as much of GOD's creation that my eyes can handle. When they have reached their threshold, I'll turn to the right and take in a new section. HE is the greatest artist of all-time. HE paints the most beautiful pictures in the sunrise, mountains, rivers, the ocean, HIS people. HE is constantly putting new masterpieces in front of me to look at. A friend of mine and I had a conversation a week or so ago about GOD as an artist. Now, normally, I always feel dreary when it rains, but she brought it to my attention that GOD just decided to paint in water colors. Now, I'm kind of fond of it. I really just want to sprint towards rainy, sunny, cold, hot, colorful, dry mountains, because HE created all of that. All of HIM is more that enough for all of me.

I can't wait to see HIM move even more in my life. Thank goodness HE pursues me daily. I started off today with some horrible focus, but HE used the smallest things to say "Hey, here I am." I think we will run away together the latter half of the week. =)