The Anxiety and the Storm

To say I know where to start would be the utmost untruth. Recently I've been feeling the pull to write again but the questions remained: Why? About what? Who will even care? Then, I remembered what I've been learning about living loved and that the love God has for me isn't dependent on me and is inseparable from me. So here we go...

In the last several months, I have become restless after over a year or two of a very sweet peacefulness with life in general. The anticipation grows as I begin to perceive a shift in the course of my life. My "type A" self that loves plans and goals has been nothing short of a hot mess. As a result, I have battled some intense anxiety. Don't get me wrong, anxiety is nothing new for me, but this was a whole new level. Every interaction, both in my personal life and professional life, has yielded an unwarranted level of stress and self-doubt unlike I've experienced in years. Add that into the mix with several new opportunities and possibilities that have been presenting themselves for discernment, and I'm smack dab in the middle of the perfect storm.

"Storm" is the key word here. Over the last few weeks, in my readings and in listening to several speakers, the stories of Jesus and storms have been prevalent. However, one has stood out and been specifically mentioned over and over. It's the story of Jesus walking on the water and Peter walking out to him. In Matthew 14, you can read the story in its entirety, but I want to explore a couple of points.

Peter and several guys are out on a boat. They left where they had been with Jesus, where he had just fed over 5,000 people with a sack lunch. Jesus, however, stayed put. Later on, Jesus begins to walk on the water toward where they were on the boat. Initially, as any sane person would be, the guys are all freaking out thinking He's a ghost. Then Peter, the "brave one," says to Jesus [as I paraphrase] Lord, if that's really you, let me come to you. Jesus tells him to come. As Peter begins to walk towards Jesus, things start out going well. Peter is focused on Jesus and begins to legitimately walk on the water. Then, as always seems to be the case, the wind picked up and started to swirl around him. Peter became distracted by the wind and his circumstance, took his focus off Jesus, and began to sink. Jesus reached out and picked him up. He asked Peter, "Why did you doubt?"

In reading this story and many others over time, I had never realized how much I assign my own perception of agendas to Jesus based on my experiences in life. Rather, my goal now is to remove my preconceived ideas and notions, and simply look at Jesus for who He is and who He was in those moments.

First, let's look at Peter for a second. He didn't start walking out to Jesus on the water because he thought it was a cool party trick. He did so because he believed in Jesus for who He truly was, God in flesh, and Peter trusted Jesus with his literal life.

Secondly (and this is where I really identify with Peter), the nearer Peter got to Jesus, the more the wind started swirling. Peter starts to become distracted by his environment, his circumstances, his humanity, his fear. As Peter's focus shifted onto his circumstances and away from Jesus, he began to sink into the water he'd once been walking on with Jesus. Here's where the story gets good...

"IMMEDIATELY Jesus reached out His hand and caught him."

IMMEDIATELY. Jesus didn't give Peter a 20 minute lecture about how he should've had more faith and trusted Him more. He didn't give him a list of the things he should have done differently. Jesus didn't look at Peter and tell him that he just wasn't good enough or couldn't cut it. He didn't assign him 17 hoops to jump through to atone for his misstep. He IMMEDIATELY reached out and caught him, rescued him, delivered him.

As a sort of regroup, Jesus then asks Peter, "Why did you doubt?" Not "I just fed a mob with a sack lunch. How could you doubt me?" Not "Am I not enough for you?" Here, Jesus asks Peter the reason behind his doubt, as if giving him an opportunity to acknowledge it for himself and heal whatever that reason or struggle was. Jesus needed Peter to become Peter, the rock, not the Simon that he was before he met Jesus.

The final thing I'd ask you to consider is something has really been working on me the last couple of days. It's bringing more peace to my anxious heart. It's bringing clarity to what is true. When Peter began sinking, he was close enough to Jesus to be reached. We must be seeking to walk as close to Jesus as we possibly can. So, when the winds come and the storms rage, and even if we start to sink, we are within His reach. He reaches out and catches us.

Thankfully, we aren't having to fly through this life without a safety net. He is waiting to catch every failure. He's willing us to trust Him and take a step out onto the water. Peter didn't walk on water because he was already capable of doing so. He walked on water because Jesus said so and empowered him to do it. I don't accomplish things in this life because of what I'm capable of doing. I accomplish things in this life because He said so and empowers me to do it. The pressure is off!!

Sometimes I just have to process things out loud. If you made it to the end, bless you. I hope you saw yourself somewhere in there, and saw what sweet Jesus has for you.